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Hello Friends: Alan here. After yesterday’s juicing, the Obama Administration has requested that I limit use of my Jack LaLanne Obliterator 5000UGH™ to none-peak West Coast hours. Apparently, in the heat of the carrot juicing, there were rolling power outages along the California Coast on Tuesday. My apologies. I will do my best to juice responsibly.
Did I see you out walking yesterday Alan????
Today is a new day. And I feel much better. I woke, grabbed a nice breakfast and then Misty and I took Aiden to Kindergarten. He really loves school. We spent the ride time going over how things that we saw on the way are spelled. Once home I got the urge to take a walk. This is the first emergence of good energy since Round #3 of Chemo. Out into the neighborhood I went and walked my 1.5 mile loop. I’ve been holed up in the house too long. It was glorious to be outside in this gorgeous day. It was in the mid 50s when I walked so it was brisk and delightful. Along the lines of being in the house too long, a couple days ago I made my first attempt to walk and only got a couple blocks. During that short time one of my neighbors “thought” she saw me out and FaceBooked me with a message wondering if that was me out and about. It kind of reminded me of a Sasquatch sighting. I’m sure in many ways it was. They say that when you see a Sasquatch the beast is lumbering with an odd gate and frequently followed by a foul stench. Wow. That all hits way too close to home. Anyway, Bigfoot sightings aside I have some stuff on my mind….
A lot of you are keeping up with my treatments and care regimen. Tomorrow is a big day…my first CT Scan after chemotherapy has been initiated. I’ve had three full chemo rounds of FOLFOX + Avastin. The scan tomorrow will be a CT with and without contrast of my chest, abdomen and pelvis. It will allow the radiologist to compare tumor sizes and numbers to my initial scan that was made on my ER visit August 15th. I am anxious about this scan. I want it to show abnormal shrinkage of the tumors. To definitively show that my body and those cancer cells are reacting superlatively to the chosen chemo regimen. And here I go again wanting to grab the wheel and make sure that God’s will is going along correctly. Last night I talked to Misty about my concern on the scan and we prayed about it together. – – Incidental Tangent: Are you praying with your spouse? Misty and I have not done it consistently but when we do I find that we go to God together, corporately, and we open our hearts together to Him and, likewise, to each other. If you’ve not been doing this I would highly advise broaching the subject with your spouse. – – So, Misty and I prayed and talked and she reminded me that the scan tomorrow is NOT A BIG DEAL. In fact, she advised that it doesn’t even matter. As God is in control, the CT Scan could report that my butt is going to explode into a thousand pieces. Nonetheless, God is in control and more than able to provide healing and peace and comfort and joy to us regardless of the report.
Like THEY say, it’s not about control, it’s about control. And like THEY say, control isn’t really important unless you don’t have any. Who the heck is “THEY” anyway? “THEY” are always saying something profound or definitive. If “THEY” are so smart, why do “THEY” hide behind that indefinite pronoun???? Wow…I’m really going non-ballistic today. I was trying to get to a point. Control. I don’t have it. As a man I seek it. Even as I pray to submit to God’s will, I try to drive it. Hoping for fewer tumors and shrinkage on the CT Scan. Afraid that there is spread of disease or lack of reaction to the chemotherapy.
I’ve been focusing on how big my problem is as opposed to how big my God is. So does the CT Scan matter tomorrow? I guess the specific answer is Yes and No. Whatever the result is I know two things:
- I will need to continue to move in faith that my God can heal me.
- I have a God that is worthy to be praised.
Thanks for your prayers Friends. Please pray for my faith and spirit to be strong. God is Good! Love,
Alan
Hello Friends. Alan here. I’m well into my “Off”/Recovery Week from Chemo Round #3. I’m learning that there is definitely a saturation factor involved. I’ve bounced less decidedly and quickly back to normal energy levels each progressive round of treatment. While this is a little disheartening I continue to remind myself that this is not Club Med. I’m in the midst of a purpose-driven challenge here and the goal is NOT to feel jiffy. So on that much I think I’m clear.
In the fog of blah on Friday and Saturday that I described to you, I’m inclined to learn something. I was out like a teenager with a full tank of gas for those two days. My mind wasn’t working, my body was down, my spirit was pretty much laid out too.
What's on the table?
We get busy with things (emergencies, projects, urgencies, unconsciousness) like this from time to time. When we do, we let things slide. While I was largely unconscious my prayer time and focus suffered. I know that being unconscious as a result of high doses of chemotherapy is a pretty good excuse for most anything, but I’m not looking to illustrate an “excused absence” here. I’m seeing the ability to describe a distraction. I’ve been there a hundred times. Big project due on Monday. End of the Quarter is this Thursday. Last pitch to this big client for a multi-million dollar deal is this Tuesday. How did I respond to that? I made room. Quiet time, family time, wife time, meal time, workout time, sleep time could all be encroached upon to meet the deadline. Then the deadline is met. The project is completed. Or, as in this case, I’m just conscious again. In the heat of the project or the distraction or the unconsciousness, we get used to having (or burning) the extra capacity that we made available under the “emergency”. Why is it that it takes so long to make good habits but we can forget them so quickly? Why is it that bad habits grow like kudzu while good ones require constant water and feeding and proper pH levels??? Don’t know the answers, but I do know that such is the case.
What am I talking about? Good question. My life has gotten focused on a lot fewer things lately. I’m seeing that a couple days of incoherence have set me back a long way on my walk and talk with God. I know that God wants to have a (more) meaningful relationship with us. We all should ask God to give us a gulping air-desire to talk to Him. Not an “I’ll pray tomorrow because I’m tired tonight”-desire or an “I’ll double up on quiet time tomorrow/Let’s Make a Deal-Arrangement”.
This brings me to another point I had on my mind. What’s left on the table. Strap in for a James Joyce flight of consciousness ride here folks. Yesterday Misty cooked the best dinner ever. Shepherd’s Pie. Her efforts to convince me that she can’t cook are completely spoiled. The secret is OUT. Along those lines, apparently the recipe calls for only beef, onions, carrots and gravy plus mashed potato topping. Let me go on record that corn, mushrooms, green beans, sage, rosemary, and thyme do NOT hurt the Shepherd’s Pie Franchise. There wasn’t much left on that table last night.
But what are we leaving on the table typically? How many times have you put something on the table without real intent to give/donate/transact? Let me give you an example: Your buddy is moving. You heard that he just moved everything into the new house. You THEN let him know that you’d be HAPPY to help move. You put it on the table knowing that there was NO CHANCE of redemption of that coupon. We’ve all done this.
I can think of many examples in which I have had opportunities “put on the table” for me. Honest generosity that I’ve not applied the resolve to exploit. Essentially, if you want it, go get it Alan. Many times I have, many times I have not. Some I regret others I didn’t have the foresight even to understand well enough to regret now. But these are all very worldly examples. A better and more telling example is what God puts on the table for us. And what we so frequently leave right there… not even picked at.
What promises has God made to us? What has He put on the table? What are we doing with it? Are we even giving Him the pleasantries afforded after someone has put a nice meal (or a GREAT Shepherd’s Pie) on the table? God has put dreams in our hearts, challenges in our paths, and a guaranty of His Presence on whatsoever path. Let’s all think and pray for constant desire for a conversation with God. Let’s look to the table and recognize the spread that is put before us (salvation for desert!). Let’s NOT overlook the opportunities and blessings that are available to us. Let’s remind and encourage each other that we are blessed and prosperous.
Speaking of which, this morning as I’ve been thinking about my two-day sleep and relaxation of good habits I decided to crank up the “Jack LaLanne Manhattan Project 5000EXT Archimedes Turbo Juicer™”. A half dozen carrots, a cucumber, 30 grapes, a ginger root, an apple and a celery stalk gave their all (except for some minor pulp waste) so I can grab some good fresh vitamins and antioxidants. It takes time (shopping, washing, chopping, juicing, cleaning) to run this famous juicer. Effort. Things that take effort, even if we know they are good for us can quickly be put on a back burner.
Usually, any time I bring up the juicer I’m moved to be funny. Lots of you have commented that you enjoy my humor. I just proofed this posting and noticed that I’m not funny today. Sorry! I think my funny bone takes a couple days to recover from the meds too!
Nonetheless…I stand so thankful for your many prayers. God is good and working in all our lives. Love,
Alan
Hello Friends: Alan here. After a couple days I have one word to say. Whew….
Friday and Saturday were essentially the same day to me. I’m not certain that I spend more than 30 minutes straight conscious. I wasn’t in pain but Round #3 has spooled up a pretty serious cumulative effect. I’ve experienced fatigue in the last couple of encounters but this was something new and “interesting”. Usually when I take a couple days off from posting here I’ve been able to spool up some new ideas to share. Well, such is not the case over the last two days. I’m seriously Rip Van Winkled over the last 48 hours. Big blur.
Insights? Sorry, I got nuthin’ for you other than bed sores do not arrive before 47 hours of nearly continuous sleep.
With so little recalled over the last couple days I guess I have to look forward. Right now I’m feeling OK. OK is a good thing. At church this morning I appeared to be praying really hard. I was actually trying (hard) not to go flat on the floor. Misty urged me to power through and attend our weekly Meso-American Friendship Tour (lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant). I drug through that with equal amounts of enthusiasm. But, as I stated, NOW I FEEL OK. And, wow, is that a terrific improvement.
This week I’ll focus on rebuilding strength and resolve for Round #4 to occur in nine days. In the meantime, it’s come to my understanding that college buddies are coming into town for our yearly Manstravangza on Friday. Yes, I just wrote Manstravaganza. We have called this reunion of fraternity brothers such for about 15-years. My buddies from ALL over have decided to bring the event close to me so I can participate more easily. I am so looking forward to seeing my pals and enjoying the magnifiscents (sic) that come with a dozen men hanging out and watching old movies recalling how wondrous we and our times were.
Also on the subject of things to which I look forward: CT Scan. October 1st I am scheduled for a full scan to determine how my chemotherapy regimen is affecting the tumors that I seek to evict.
So, let me recap: Based on lack of consciousness, not much to report over the last two days. Looking forward to new scan and old friends later this week. Synapses should start getting fired up soon too so sorry there’s no hook to this entry.
Into the week we go.
Whatever you’re facing, hit it as hard as you possibly can. That’s my plan. Here’s a picture and a thought to get you on your way.
Have a great day. Thanks for your prayers. God is good and provides abundantly for us. Love,
Alan
Hello Friends! Alan here. It’s Thursday. I’ve been hooked up to my 5FU Pump for almost 48 hours now after the big dose at the doctor’s office on Tuesday. As you know, I’ve been actively seeking your support and prayers in this treatment as well as praying hard and visualizing God’s blessing and healing upon my body. On the approach to Round #3 of chemotherapy I’ve been praying hard for the chemotherapy agents to be a SWAT Team and whoop up on the cancer cells in my body. I’ve been praying for them to be hit HARD. That has been my focus. This brings Rube Goldberg into play. Who is Rube? Let me tell you:
According to Wikipedia, Reuben Garret Lucius Goldberg (July 4, 1883 – December 7, 1970) was an American cartoonist, sculptor, author, engineer and inventor. Goldberg is best known for a series of popular cartoons he created depicting complex devices that perform simple tasks in indirect, convoluted ways – now known as Rube Goldberg machines.
Wiki gives a nice definition of such a Rube Goldberg Machine: A Rube Goldberg machine is a deliberately overengineered apparatus that performs a very simple task in a very complex fashion, usually including a chain reaction.
Here’s a nice example of Rube’s cartooning. When you see it you’ll realize that you’ve known about Rube Goldberg for a long time.
Much easier than just putting your shoes on......right???
The point I’m making here is that my battle against these cancer cells is using the most complex Rube Goldberg Machine ever. Remember what I was praying for in preparation for Round #3? SWAT Team. Hit the cancer HARD God. That was my prayer. I did not think or pray about limitation of the side effects of the chemotherapy. At all. But let me tell you something AWESOME….
The worst side effect of my chemotherapy is called neuropathy. One of my drugs causes my fingers and the inside of my throat to be extremely sensitive to cold. Grabbing a bag of frozen hash browns out of the freezer is like grabbing broken glass and remains so until the hands are warmed under hot water. In Round #2 I had to heat a glass of water in the microwave for 25 seconds to be able to tolerate it in my throat. Room temperature water would activate the neuropathy and feel as though I was swallowing a pine cone coated with broken glass. The option of water at 90-100 degrees F was OK, but not great.
So this week, there’s been a difference. I was praying hard for the SWAT Team to hit the cancer but now I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you out there that are kind enough to care for me and pray for me were praying for the side effects of my chemotherapy to be tolerable or minimal. I have the neuropathy from the chemo this week, but it’s mostly in my hands and NOT my mouth/throat. This week I can drink room temperature water. You would be amazed at how much MORE water you will drink at room temp v. 90 degrees F. Guess what, when you drink more you are less dehydrated. When you are less dehydrated you may sleep better. When you are less dehydrated you do not have body aches through the night that torment you.
This is a praise report. God is Good. He has put this community around me with prayer warriors lifting me up and praying for what I thoughtlessly overlooked. Prayers for easy tolerance of the chemo have been answered…Even if it’s taken a chain of people MORE complex than any Rube Goldberg Machine ever imagined.
So, when I say “Someone please buy Rube a cup of coffee for me”, what I’m saying is: Thank God and thank you all for praying for me and for covering me with prayers that I overlooked. It works. This is a gift from God that I am able to see this. It increases my faith in and my worship of Him.
That’s it for now. I’m going to get this pump disconnected at noon today. The hounds are running my body now and chomping butt on cancer cells. You have a GREAT day. Thanks for your prayers that sustain and improve me. Love,
Alan
Hello Friends! Alan Here. Feeling very good today. I had an extraordinarily good night’s sleep even with my little batpump attached to my chest port. I woke refreshed, and you guessed it, hungry. I’m actually going back for “Breakfast II: Return of the Biscuit” as soon as I finish this post.
Alright folks. You’re going to have to hang on tight for this. I’ve gone MULTI-MEDIA geeky with today’s post. You will be required to turn on your imagination and click some PLAY buttons as you read and experience this entry. It should be self-explanatory. Have you ever noticed how difficult some “self-explanatory” things can be? Kind of like mnemonics. They’re supposed to be easy ways to remember things, but dang it you just have to REMEMBER how to spell that one! Anyway, I digressed. Jump in and read ahead…..
Take a look into the microscope
Click on the play button below to get a microscopic account of what is going on in my body RIGHT NOW. I won’t insult your intelligence or grasp of cellular biology by over-explaining this microscopic film-clip. I will inform you of the pathology and players involved. You’ll see cancer cells, healthy Alan Cells that need to be protected, and you will see the bad to the bone Chemotherapy Agents that are whipping butt as I type. Technology is amazing. I”ve used cutting-edge cellular level imaging technology from my fabulous employer to give you this highly clinical viewpoint of current events in my body. Hit the play button below:
Isn’t technology awesome! And, oh, I’ve just got to ask it…”Who let the dogs out! Woof…Woof….Woof…Woof….Woof!!!” Answer: My God, my doctor, my friends through their prayers and I did! HOOOO YAH and AMEN!!!
I think that I promised you some Shatner yesterday. I’ve been trying to weave some kind of moral message into this but I’m in a really light mood and don’t feel like a brooding disertation right now (and you know that I can feel that way sometimes!).
I’m in the healthcare technology business. This means that I deal with a lot of IT Folks both at work and where I sell stuff. If you don’t know about this, I’ll give you a headstart on the industry. If you can speak Star Trek (Star Wars is almost as good) you have an immediate “in” with anyone that can code or write software. This is a universal truth that applies to healthcare or any kind of software or IT.
This is just funny:
I have actually done this in the mirror. Can/will you admit the same?
In my business I have to quickly assess people and teams to determine where to spend company time and resources in an effort to best showcase my company and its products. This assessment has to be passed around to the strategic team working on a project. For years I”ve been using the Kirk-Spock continuum to describe folks from a crowded meeting. “Yeah, Owen definitely has a high Kirk Quotient”. And right, Gus is very Spock” I’ve used actual examples here and I’m pretty sure that neither of my friends/clients referenced here would argue or object to my application of the Kirk-Spock scale nor their ranking.
But there’s one moniker you DON’T want to have in use of the Alan Dove Star Trek Leadership Quotient Assessent. You don’t want to be a Red Shirt. To demonstrate:
"Yeah....Bob is just filling an office and came for the box lunch. He's a real Red Shirt"
So, all this fun had with a perhaps alarming viewport into how I’ve sold a LOT of systems into healthcare facilities all over the country. Regardless, I think I’ve come up with a useful morale. Here it goes: You might be a Kirk by nature (I think that I am…love UFC/hand to hand combat/I dated some green girls back when I was a bachelor) or you might be Spock or Bones or Scotty. Whatever God gave you, it will allow you to take a credited role in YOUR SCI-FI Series that we refer to as LIFE.
Queue the Star Trek theme…
So let’s “Boldly go where no man has gone before”. Set you phasers to full power. Give her all she’s got (please read this with Scottish accent). Set your boundaries: “Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor not a (you can fill in the blank). Fire up those dilithium crystals and give me Warp 6 or greater. Pull out your Tri-Corder. If you’re Sulu, I guess you just put on your prettiest Kimono. Whatever! Take your skills and Boldly Go. Don’t be the Red Shirt on the Away Team to a far away planet that strangely has exactly the same atmosphere as Earth!
Have a great day. Thanks for your ongoing prayers! God is GOOD and the source of abundancy!! Love,
Alan
PS. Some of you have expressed that you’d like to write to me but you’re not exactly into publishing onto this blog. I UNDERSTAND. I’d love to hear from you more privately or in this awesome forum. My email address is alan_dove@yahoo.com. Sorry I haven’t thought of this before.
Hello Friends! Alan here. Good day at the Pit Station. My tank is now full of Premium 103 Octane Racing Grade Chemotherapy. (It’s really a requirement to drop some mandatory NASCAR terminology almost every day living here in Charlotte.) NASCAR Lingo: CHECK. As I’m riding the wave of metaphor here I’m moved to wishing that my current health situation merely required a heavy dose of Aromatherapy today as opposed to the chemo variety.
Mayo Clinic Reseachers report that smelling roses kills cancer cells! (sorry...I'm dreaming)
It would be really fun to complain about the day of drudgery and the fatigue of my nose and olfactory cortex due to high doses of Candied Apple or Cinnamon & Sugar or Cranberry Chutney even Evening Air™ (someone has really trademarked this) or even Frosted Pumpkin! I could even be a real trooper and opt for candles, votives, oil burners, and room spray.
"Ahhhh, yes, my doctor suggested that I pick up two Babbling Brooks, one Peppermint Lilac, two Dutch Apple Crumb (not crust!) Pie, and one Wet Dog That Just Wallored in a Dead Skunk. Thanks!"
Stepping out of metaphor, I guess Yankee Candle Company designed therapies are just NOT gonna get me where I need to go. As such, I’m pleased, thankful, and in praise-mode for the big dose of cancer poison I got today.
Here’s how it works at Chemotherapy. First they start with the whole “Breath Deep” and then they poke me with what seems to be a body piercing needle. Port Accessed. Nipple may be pierced. You’ll remember the “Jethro-Second Time is the Charm”surgical approach we had on my chest port. Well, true to his word in our “long talk”, Jethro did, indeed, plumb me well this time. The new port worked perfectly, giving strong blood return and a nice 750 CFM Four Barrel Carburetor-esque (saving up on my NASCAR refererences…should be covered for tomorrow) flow of chemo into my central vessel. Prep meds: Steroids (yum), anti-nausea and leucovorin (helps bind chemo to cancer cells v. cells that I’m fond of). Then four big chemo drugs. I’m now on the equivalent of a toll road Speed Pass and they roll the meds into me fast. We started at 10am and were done by 2pm.
I spent the time in chemo with my new buddy Randolph. We decided that we both loved Shawshank Redemption but nearly went fist to cuffs trying to decide who was “Andy” and who was “Red” (like boys fighting over who was the cowboy and who was the Indian). Regardless of that skirmish (and some unplanned sedatives for the other patients) in the chemo ward, we’ve each decided that, like Andy in the movie, we’re both going to “crawl through a river of **** and come out clean on the other side.”
Commentary: Seriously people. Is there a better movie than Shawshank? I Googled the screenplay just now to pull this quote. Reading the screenplay is like reading poetry.
I had something really funny to share with you all but have just decided to save it until tomorrow. But here’s a hint: William Shatner.
I’m going to lay around and kill come cancer cells right not. Lovingly and Toxically yours,
Alan
Hello Friends! Alan here: Good day in Doveville. I woke this morning and really felt like me again. I had a bagel with Aiden before Kindergarten, then had a nice walk and did some other exercises in the garage. In addition to this great start of a day, the exercise segued directly into Breakfast II: The Sequel. I started with a big hot skillet. Added two tablespoons of really good olive oil. Threw in a big handful of fresh hash brown cut potatoes along with a few mushrooms and onions. That sizzled while I cut up two tomatoes that plopped into the skillet. This all crisped up nicely to have a top hat of cheddar slices thrown on for good measure. I then skootched the hash browns over to their side of the skillet and dropped another tablespoon of olive oil just before two Jumbo Grade A eggs. They spent their last moments frying over-easy with a little salt and pepper. Then they went majestically on top of the whole hash brown/onion/mushroom/tomato medley. By 10:15 none of what I just described existed as such any longer.
Why do I love fried eggs so much?
I’ve been just about that hungry all day long. My energy level has been terrific also. This is how I had hoped to feel a lot more during this week off from Chemo. But I just got it today and I’m not going to complain because it could have just NOT happened. So—Thanks God for a real awesome day of feeling good!
My day had some other goodness to it. Out of the blue one of my lifelong friends stopped in for a visit. Also, Misty brought the mail in and there was a manila envelope from my aunt. I opened it to find an old (c. 1940) church hymnal. That sounds pretty cool, though without background misses most of the treasure involved here. You see, my grandmother (who loved and doted on me and all her grandbabies AND seems to have taught my mom how to do so) was a musician. She played the piano at church for years….by ear. She didn’t read sheet music. Apparently she didn’t need to. She heard the music and then played it. Even without need for the notes, it’s nice to have the words. I remember the parlor in the front of the farmhouse. Formal and nice. A stand up piano against one wall. Grandma loved to play and sing hymns. Today, when I opened that hymnal I read a note from my sweet aunt informing me that this hymnal was Grandma’s and that I could pull strength and love from the same book that she enjoyed so much. Grandma died when I was 13. Of cancer. I find it warm and blessed to be able to hold that book. Like my grandmother I don’t read sheet music. I DO have a piano in my house. Why I am not sure (you’ll have to ask Misty). The only sound that I’ve ever been able to get out of it went like this…..CA-CHING!!!!…..When I paid for it.
I won’t be able to use this hymnal for playing my piano. But, I’ll tell you what I can play. I can play the best game of KICK THE (insert your own expletive here) OUT OF CANCER you’ll ever see. They say the little things mean a lot, but this was a big thing and it means more to me. The fact that my aunt was thoughtful and selfless enough to pass along what I know to be a one of her earthly treasures touches me and my heart. That mere selflessness is an uncommon gift…but I REALLY loved my Grandma. The pain of her dying when I was young made it easier for me to think less about times in her house. Now I’m reminded of great times: Patting biscuits out on an ancient round tin. Grits. Grabbing eggs from the henhouse. Fried eggs. Pop corn out of a jar with it’s own oil. Quilts. All you can drink 32oz. Coca-Cola. Those little marshmallow candy chickens. Watching Hee Haw and Magnum PI. Cakes. Country ham (not from the store). Captain Kangaroo. Riding on a mule. Sleeping in the little room next to the kitchen. Christmases. An enormity of LOVE.
That’s what I’m taking into Chemo tomorrow. I’m laid low with humility and raised high by friends and family all around me. Near and far.
Thanks for your prayers. Pray thanks to God for another Round of cancer cell obliteration starting tomorrow at 10am. Love,
Alan
Hello Friends: Alan here. It’s been a couple days since I’ve blogged at you. One day off was taken consciously just to kick back and to spend some time with Misty. Then next was inadvertent as I was just feeling moderately bogus yesterday. Part of the new territory I guess.
Sometimes the fuel for this blog comes hard and steady while at others it comes to me only as I discover or see things happening around me. Over the last couple days I’ve got a little of both that I’d like to share.
We’ve talked here a lot lately about Faith and about Recognition and Submission. Recap:
- Faith that God has a plan for us that will reveal blessings for someone, somewhere, somehow.
- Recognition of God’s plan in our lives.
- Submission to that plan once we’ve recognized it.
Fact: Misty and I have been walloped by a life-changing situation that has caused us to change how we look at life. It’s changed our plans. It’s changed the worries that come into our minds—making some worries fade and others grow. One thing that blesses me and gives me strength is people (many times just acquaintances) that come out of the woodwork and reach out to me as a comrade in arms in this fight against cancer cells. One gentleman that I’ve done some business with reached out to me and really raised my spirits with his story of battle and victory. One thing that he mentioned to me in a phone call this week had to do with the “what if” questions. He told me that they will “drive you crazy”. I felt like he’d been a peeping tom into my brain. Any time I’ve been weak, frightened, scared, weepy, emotional or devastated it’s been after a bought of internal rhetoric all starting with “WHAT IF………..”.
I believe the WHAT IF stuff is a direct delivery from the deceiver. You can say that contingency planning is just good sense and I would not argue, but this onslaught of WHAT IF I’m describing is different. It’s a scene from a horror movie. Maybe a better description is offered by the crescendo scene from Apocalypse Now where the cow and Col. Kurtz are butchered to the maniacal riff of the Doors.
Misty and I have prayed hard for peace and we’ve gotten a large measure of it. Likewise we’ve prayed very hard to RECOGNIZE God’s plan as we do have Faith that it is there for us. I’ve noted in several posts that we’ve learned that if you ask it, God will give you signs. I used to believe that this was a trivial thing to ask God but now I believe otherwise. In fact, now I think He’s happy to mark His path for us if we ask Him. I’ve prayed long and hard to see His will and I don’t believe that He requires it to be so mysterious to us. Yes, as they say, “the Lord works in mysterious ways” but some of that mystery is not required. It’s just placed there by our human instinct against SUBMISSION.
Point in case: Misty and I have been praying very hard about a certain matter that is upon us as a current concern. I will not detail this matter. None the less, this matter of concern has had a light shined on it by God and our course of action is clear and provides abundant blessings. In the face of this abundance I was knotted in emotions (other than just thanksgiving) and I did not know why (at the time). Now I do. The problem: SUBMISSION is hard. It’s what makes us human. The ability of choice. Which God seems to give us in nearly the same measure as His Grace. My turmoil was in the face of RECOGNITION of a blessing that I was having difficultly SUBMITTING to. Wow. And we’re at the top of the food chain.
I’m NOT in turmoil on this matter anymore. I wanted to raise this example to you just to illustrate how WEIRD we are as humans. God obviously has a sense of humor having made us this way.
Here’s the other thing I’d like to share with you. I am a goal and task oriented individual. I also enjoy Corporate America Mumbo Jumbo Mission Statement Goofiness. For example, I worked for a great company out of Vermont called IDX whose core values were: Customer Success, Employee Opportunity and Profit. The way it worked was that Customer Success was the main reason to be there followed by a close second of Employee opportunity. Those two attended to, Profit would HAPPEN! Cool, huh? I’m not the only Corporate Geek out here am I?
Along those lines, my thoughts have bounced around the last few days as to what the purpose or mission of this blog is. At first, I’ll tell you the mission was clear and selfish: GET LOTS OF PEOPLE AWARE AND PRAYING FOR ME AND MY FAMILY. To be clear, I’ve not transcended to a level that is disinterested in such. BUT…I am seeing that in this discussion with you all, we have a different (additive!) opportunity.
A few days ago I wrote about feeling weak as water compared to my norm. One my friends privately reminded and encouraged me that water can be very powerful. This point resounded with me. It spoke to me about the potential I have even in this “weakened” state.
Friends of mine in Birmingham will quickly pick up on where I’m going with this. I thought about water some more. I’ve also been in constant currency with the comments you’ve all shared with me. They’ve done a number of things. Your comments have uplifted me when I’ve been down. They’ve pointed out scriptural points that hadn’t occurred to me. They’ve shared personal stories of similar travails. One more thing that your comments have done that I’ve found surprising is that a lot of you have thanked ME for sharing points and perspectives with you.
Remember, this thing started as a selfish desire to enact the power of prayer for me and my family. I’m shocked that I have something valuable to share with you. I guess that our set of current events may give us a battle-tested set of ready experience that thankfully most of you have not experienced.
Back to being a geek. I’ve been a Physics Geek for a long time. In Physics you have Kinetic and Potential Energy. Kinetic Energy would be a train in motion. Potential Energy is a little more difficult to estimate. For instance: A brick on top of a ladder has easily estimable Potential Energy if it falls from the ladder. That Energy would be the brick falling from the top of the ladder and then acting on whatever it hits. Easy, right?
What about the Potential Energy of a bucket of water sitting on the ground? With nowhere to fall. Not much power. But if some effort is made you can heat that water. At 150°F not much has changed except you could make some tea with the water. Add more heat and reach 200°F and, still, not much has changed. 211°F and still, not much has changed. Maybe heating this water was a bad idea. Maybe we should stop.
Or….we could add a little more effort: Heat that water a little more and something amazing happens. The water turns into STEAM. From there, that bucket of water atomizes and expands and can drive a 100-Ton Locomotive down the track or move an oceanliner across the Atlantic or run a steam shovel that digs the Panama Canal. All from “low potential” buckets of water. Wow!
I’m seeing that God has given me a thermometer that maybe he hasn’t given everyone. Maybe I’m able to encourage you from 211° to the boiling point. Maybe my mission in this is to share my bumps and bruises and perspective with you in order to help you hit 212° and MOVE SOMETHING.
Please pray about this. Also, thanks so much for your ongoing prayers for me and my family. Have a great Sunday! Love,
Alan
PS….Many of you have asked about the TEAM DOVE T-Shirts. Friends of mine have designed and printed them. Here’s information about them:
Contact Adrienne at adriennegrayson@yahoo.com to order
Hello Friends: Alan here: It’s been a good day. I was able to take a nice walk and bust out a few push-ups (no doubt this was Jack LaLanne channeling himself) and other exercises early this morning. Additionally, I had a nice day at my pseudo-office working with a few of my comrades in arms in the world of healthcare IT.
A week or so ago I toyed with the idea of reporting out to you in the form of a haiku. That quickly proved out to be somewhere between impractical and overly difficult. Tonight, however, I’ve decided to branch out into……Photographic Essay.
Now don’t get disturbed (or intrigued) that I’m going to show up with some kind of sight specific art form next that occasions me to wear a tutu and beat out my message in Morse Code with dead badgers on a tribal tom tom drum. I’ve just decided to use some pictures to put some ideas out to you.
The subject that started this thought process is FAITH. As you know, I’m running on it right now. I am praising God’s ability to heal me. But FAITH is like wind. You can tell that it’s there but it’s hard to measure it’s amount. You can’t put in on a scale and weigh it. At times it’s strong as a hurricane while at other its a doldrum; and you can’t predict how either the wind or FAITH is going to present from moment to moment. This describes a. why the weathermen make the big bucks and b. one of the intrinsic weaknesses of the human spirit.
But let’s ignore the weakness of fluctuating FAITH. Let’s talk about Faith when it’s working. The best example I can think of is back in elementary school. Yes, I’m talking about a child’s faith. A question is asked and the child doesn’t think about “what if I get it wrong” or “what will they think of me” he just raises his little hand like there’s a butterfly to catch ready to spout out his answer (right, wrong, irrelevant). That’s faith in ability.
What I want to examine with you, however, is Faith with or without ACTION. Same child sits in class. Thinks he knows the answer. Doesn’t grab the air like there are butterflies up there. Doesn’t have the courage to put himself out there because someone might have told him he’s not smart…and crushed his Faith. I guess this story started out with a damaged faith and a lack of action. Both Faith and Action are negligent here.
But, is there such a thing as strong FAITH that has no subsequent ACTION? Remember the faithful Christian that was shipwrecked? I’m thinking that strong FAITH is only strong if it has a downstream ACTION.
Many have had faith that they can accomplish things and that faith was followed up by ACTION. Here are some examples that I like (in case it’s not obvious, here’s the pictoral essay):
I think that I have FAITH but I’m troubled as to how I’m supposed to ACT. I have cancer cells in my body. I’ve read that Lance Armstrong continued to punish (tune?) his body hundreds of miles per week on a bicycle. I’ve read that rest is the best medicine. I’ve read that you should only eat cruciferous vegetables. My doctor has told me I should eat to maintain body weight. The Apollo astronauts and scientists, Winston Churchill, Michael Jordan and all the images above speak to someone having FAITH in something AND taking ACTION.
What do we do when it’s not obvious? I’d work on my vertical leap. Or my ability to take a hill. Or my organizational and leadership skill to organize a coalition. Or practice my trumpet. Action on your FAITH seems easier on a Point A to Point B exercise than what I’m doing. I bet that when you look at your Faith and what tests it you might also wish for something “easier” or at least better defined like going to the moon or freeing Scotland from oppressive Brits.
I feel that tonight I’m raising more confusion and questions than answers or lessons learned. I’m forced to try and tie it all together with prayer. Let me re-cap:
- I’ve got cancer in my body.
- I have Faith that God can wash it
- I think that Faith without action isn’t Faith at all. If Peter believed he could walk on water but did not exit the boat, could you call that Faith? No.
- I think that Faith is apt to fluctuate in this human vessel. Peter lost concentration (faith) and found himself quickly up to neck in the lake.
How do we get faith? How do we maintain sufficient levels of it? How do we attach the proper action to validate the faith and attain our (His?) intent? I think I know the answer:
We PRAY for them all.
Let me know YOUR thoughts on this one. I feel that I’ve kind of just laid it out there.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I tell you whole-heartedly that they are lifting me and my family up. This thing we’re doing is not easy and we need your prayers and His power to carry us. Have a great day!!! Love,
Alan
Hello Friends: Alan here. Last night was great. I slept so soundly and woke refreshed and un-achy. Kind of like the first good night and morning after the flu. Energy level is not great today but I’m definitely on the mend. I plan on walking and exercising tomorrow.
I want to tell you something funny about having cancer in your body. Apparently, it makes you better looking. Now I’m not suggesting anyone start wishing for cancer, but since I’ve had some in my body and folks have known about it, almost everyone starts a conversation with “You look GREAT”. I did get a haircut a couple days ago (thanks Amber) and I have lost a few unwanted pounds, but as vain as I might be, I’m dubious about the fact that I’m getting better looking at this point in my life. Oh, I know that this statement may melt down the internet with postings to the contrary, but I’m still able to cling to some reality. So, having heard this a couple hundred times, Misty and I have really started giggling about it. What’s funny is the unsaid elliptical that goes with it. It’s kind of like the guy or gal we all know that has just gone through the WORST divorce ever…fought through child custody…dealt with cheating or abusive spouse and lost 30 lbs on the Divorce/Stress Diet. Let me give you a couple examples:
Example 1:
“Hi Alan! Dude, you look GREAT!” (unsaid elliptical: to have burning cancer in your body!)
Example 2:
“Hey Bob! You look awesome buddy!” (unsaid elliptical: I guess crying yourself to sleep after Susan started seeing your Dentist/best friend produces some stress and, hey, only eating Ramen Noodles at that tiny refrigerator box of an apartment really seems to have made you less of a lard-butt anyway!)
Now I can’t speak for Bob, but I will go on record to say that if you see me and it occurs to you to tell me that “Wow, you look GREAT!” please don’t hold back. If you know me well at all, you’ll know that I take dollops of admiration out of any container. If you are reading this and then happen to have such occur to you, I would find it funnier if you were to say, “Hey Alan, you look great!” but follow it up with the cool double-point that Isaac the bar tender on the Love Boat used as his trademark move (see diagram below).
"Hey Alan! You look GREAT!" (trademark double point!!)
So there’s got to be something more that I’ve noticed or learned recently…..thinking. A lot of times I’ll be at a point of writer’s block and I’ll walk into the kitchen and crank up the Jack LaLanne Hyper-Carburetored Seven Rotor Wankel Juice of Life Extractor 5000WHEW™. As I did that today, I was interrupted by a call from the SETI Project’s (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) Radio Telescope at UC Berkeley kindly asking me to turn off whatever interference was being generated from my residence. I finished my frothy veggy-fruit beverage and it occurred to me to talk to you about Strength.
If you know me it won’t be hard for you to believe that typically, when I go into a room I’m pretty comfortable. Whether it’s a sales call, a technical discussion, a contract negotiation, a five year old birthday party, walking into a convenience store, or day-to-day interactions, I’ve had the ability to step into most any situation and feel comfortable that somewhere between brains and brawn I’ll be able to get out of this room better than OK. In fact, most places I’ve gone (and I’ve gone to a lot of them in the last decade) people might have assumed that the world owed me rent by the look on my face.
For the last ten years I’ve been in a job that required me to travel around three nights a week, grab 6am flights, work lots of twenty-hour days, stress over contracts, and hump it from town to town through airport to airport. Until very recently I was blessed with health and vigor that allowed me to do this and not really be tired from it. For me, after a hard week on the road, “sleeping in” might mean 7am but seldom occurred. I had power to spare.
One of the things that’s hard for me to deal with now is the fact that my dynamo is on the fritz. I no longer have that energy. Nor that strength. The mind still works pretty well, but I enter a room differently now. No longer a bull. All of a sudden aware of a low-fuel alert going off in my head. Guarding my tender organs from an inadvertent bump that would really hurt me. Walking a little like a question mark because I’m achy or sore. Unable to pick up Aiden by the leg with one hand and hold him upside down to fish a piece of garbage out of a lake. Unable to carry Addy for long without her hurting my sore port or my sore liver or just running out of steam. I’m about to start crying here.
What does this mean? I am weak as water physically compared to normal Alan. A lot of how I used to enter and fill a room had to do with being a bull. I took a lot of pride and pleasure in being noticed in any population. In being the wittiest or boldest person in the room. Who was that about? Oh yeah, you guessed it….ME.
I keep thinking about Paul and his thorn. We’re not sure what it was. Whether it was a vice, a bad habit, an illness, a deformity. It doesn’t really matter what it was. I do wonder WHEN the thorn arrived. When I read about it, it seems to me that it was after the Road to Damascus and becoming a messenger of God’s will that Paul’s thorn arrived. In fact, Paul says that it was put there to keep him from getting pufffed up along with a messenger from Satan to keep him from getting proud. Paul states that despite begging to have the thorn taken away the Lord only responded that “My gracious favor is all that you need. My power works best in your weakness.” Paul said that he came to boast about his weakness so that the power of Christ may work through him.
I don’t know how this plays with my new weakness. You’d better believe that I’ve asked God to take this thorn out of my side. But I also can see that I’m very different when I go into a room. I no longer have the verve to fight my way out of any situation. I am a lot more docile walking in. But I also feel that I can go anywhere with anyone. I don’t have the pride that kept me away from subject matter before. Misty and I were grabbing her a bagel at Brueggers the other day and I was at the napkin station beside some seriously tattooed and body-pierced individual. Normal Alan would have considered giving him a solid elbow to the ribs along with a copy of “Proper Hairstyles for Men” by Newt Gingrich. Misty was paying for her bagel when she turned around to notice me talking to this guy about his tattoos. He had actually taken his shirt off for me to see them upon my compliment.
So what was I proud of? In general….ME. The fact that I could work a long time and still be able to bounce back and ride kids on my shoulders and that I could provide for and protect my family. BAM! All that is up in the air. Who am I? What do I bring to the table? Where is the table? Why are there so many confusing metaphors and questions?
Here’s what I think I know. What you are proud of can be taken away. If you depend on it solely, you could be in trouble. If I didn’t have a baseline of God in my life I would be on an elephant dose of anti-depressants right now.
Here’s what I think I can suggest. Look at yourself. Decide what you are proud of. Find a way to make it glorify God. If you can’t…consider why you’re proud of this and pray about it.
Let me know what you are thinking out there! I love to read your comments. LOTS of folks are visiting here and that’s great. To be clear: you don’t need my permission to pass this site on to someone else.
Thanks for your prayers. Love!
Alan
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